My Fairy Tale Week (From Hell)

My week has totally sucked. Being that I’m exceptionally bitter about the whole thing, I’ll relate some milestone events to some well-known fairy tales. This post will be mean-spirited, sour, and angry, but bear with me; hopefully it’s slightly entertaining as well. Please ignore the fact that I will identify with women in just about every instance.

Notre Dame Basketball Loses to Obscure-Team-From-Virginia: Rumpelstiltskin

Ill-fated maiden (ND bball team) calls upon Rumpelstiltskin (gimmick offense) to spin gold (win games). Messenger (the educated basketball community) learns of Rumpelstiltskin’s real name (and the fact that it is insanely dumb), thus causing Rumpelstiltskin to stop spinning gold (winning) and to rip himself in half (lose to Obscure-Team-From-Virginia).

Econ Test From Hell: Cinderella (Me)

Already dejected (failed the first test), Cinderella (me) works (studies) diligently at an absurd pastime (Econ) for hours (and I mean hours), and prays to her fairy godmother (God) for deliverance (a passing grade). She is encouraged when she is invited to the Prince’s ball (does well on the practice tests), but is dejected once again when her carriage (my brain) turns into a pumpkin (utterly useless) at midnight (test time).

Disgusting St. Patrick’s Day: Snow White (Me)

Snow White (me) wanders into the forest (Clover Village) and mooches off seven dwarfs (seven nearest kegs). Evil witch (vodka) disguises herself (in green beer) and tries to poison her. She takes the poison (vodka beer), and falls into a deep sleep (PTFO) until she’s woken by a shining prince (my roommate telling me the dining hall is closing).

My Favorite Band comes out with Shitty Album: Aladdin (Coheed and Cambria)

Aladdin (C&C) wants to win the princess’s (my) love (money), so he dresses up and pretends he’s a prince (produces a completely lazy and shitty album, yet masquerades it as their “most melodic and best work yet”). Princess finds out the truth (after listening to the shitty album), and loses trust in Aladdin (C&C). Aladdin will now have to make it up to the princess (me), or be forced to live in poverty (I will not support them, ever again).

Disgusting St. Patrick’s Day Continued: Beauty (Me) & the Beast (Her)

Belle (me) finds an enchanted castle (fridge) and becomes enamored by its charm (mainly, its selection of Guinness, Jameson, and Soco). Totally enchanted by the castle (fridge), Belle falls in love with its owner (makes out with the ugly girl who lives there). She is regretful of this decision when a mob of townsfolk (my friends) invade the enchanted castle and try to harm her (berate me for hooking up with ugly girl).